Justified Tears
Yesterday morning as I was trying to get ready for work my beloved youngest grandchild, three year old Henry, kept turning out the light and putting me in pitch darkness. He did it three times and thought it was funnier and funnier each time as I calmly asked him to stop. After the third time, when the light was off, I yelled. I think the darkness made me feel hidden and the freedom that no one could see how angry I was. Because I was tired. I had back to back twelve hour days at work and I had only gotten about four hours sleep Wednesday night. And I put everything I had into that yell. And I regretted it the minute the light came back on. Because I could see how much that I had scared him. He turned that light back on with huge tears in his eyes and crumpled on the floor. And I felt terrible.
I hurt him in my exhaustion. I hurt him in my impatience and I hurt him with my anger. I confessed to him while he sobbed in my arms that Mimi was mean and grouchy. That Mimi needed a time out and that I promised to never scare him like that again. If he becomes afraid of the dark, I will have to own that it is my fault. His tears were justified. I am the adult and he is only a small child. I have the skills to redirect, to remove myself from the situation and to discipline his behavior without inflicting harm.
What I didn’t do was try to move the blame to him for not listening. What I didn’t do was to dig in and defend myself as justified in my anger, frustration and response. And I am going to forgive myself. Henry has already forgiven me and I can not hold onto this terrible event and beat myself up about it over and over. I have confessed, repented and begged forgiveness. Now I need to make changes to ensure that it doesn’t happen again. And that means rest. I need some rest and some time away and some restoration of my spirit. Then I can be the best version of myself.
We live in a world that is quick to blame, rarely owns mistakes and often stays in the unhealthy patterns that have caused our problems. I know a man who expressed to me that his family of origin operated on the premise that there is always someone at fault or to blame. Nothing ever just happened. When you talk to this man, he always digs in and comes out fighting if he feels on defense. He doesn’t receive criticism well and he burns bridges rapidly. He wants to be better. He wants to develop new ways of coping with stress and critique without going nuclear. This is his journey.
I have a friend who was raised in a home where coping with feelings was done with retail therapy. This habit was passed down to the next generation until she realized what was happening. She worked very hard at not falling into the typical patterns that she had learned from her mother. She decided to teach her sons to talk about feelings and find other ways to cope with them. She has broken free from her unhealthy patterns.
Where do you see yourself in unhealthy patterns? Who have you surrounded yourself with and how do they treat you? Who have you disappointed recently? What changes do you need to make to be your best self? I hope that you will take these questions seriously and evaluate what changes you need to make. I hope that you never cause tears in the ones you love the most.
